Long ago before I made that decision to follow Christ I was sitting in church complaining to my sister that I didn’t want to come to church any more because I didn’t believe. She said, “Fake it till you make it.” Yeah, it sounded funny to me too at the time!
She meant to stick around and hear it out, so that I’d have enough info to put the pieces of the puzzle together in order for me to see the full picture. Then it hit me. I’d been in church for a long time with a wall up. The reason for that was the many years of abuse created some serious trust issues within me. Church was a nice break from the reality of my life so I stayed put.
The Home Life
Living in that one sided relationship that started when I was only fifteen years old, I was married at 18 and felt that I’d lost my identity to a kid living in a man’s body.
Fear had me living for someone else instead of me. Three months into our marriage and my life was becoming a violent and vicious cycle of denial and abuse. I washed his clothes, cooked his meals and lay in his bed lying to myself. The truth was that he was a womanising, violent, drug addict who was so messed up, convinced he was right and didn’t want any help to change.
I was so scared to face the truth about my situation which would make see how broken I really was, or to confront him which would mean a violent reaction. The lies I told myself were numerous but the big one was telling myself that he would change from the strange person before me who was becoming the embodiment of every loathsome characteristic I didn’t like in a human being.
When the threats began, I felt trapped like a hostage in my own marriage. The situation seemed hopeless. He was totally convinced that my family were trying to separate us. Yet my family had never interfered in our relationship. When I tried to leave him he told me that he’d sneak in the house at night while we slept to kill us all. Believing that he was capable of carrying the threats out, I stayed.
When we separated the only things I got out of that relationship was PTSD.. Years later I found out that I had been living with a certified Schizophrenic.
So after my experiences giving myself over completely to God took an enormous amount of trust. Then I discovered that true love is found only in God.
God is Love and the source of love
I was convinced that I hadn’t fully learned what love was so a quest began to understand God’s love. This bible passage below describes His Holy (perfect) love and after reading I saw how distant we all really are from it.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
“4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails…….”.
If you’re in a violent situation don’t bury your hurts by lying to yourself. See a counsellor, a church leader, your pastor and even your doctor for help. Don’t do it alone.
Lifeline 13 11 14 (Australia)
If your life is in danger don’t hesitate to dial 000.