The Coward With A Hardened Heart

I’d met my childhood sweetheart at the age of 15 and we were married five months after my 18th birthday.  At the age of 32 I divorced a violent and narcissistic drug addicted schizophrenic man who in his twisted way believed that he loved me. He probably did but in my mind it was shallow.  At first I stuck around hoping for change and later on it was fear that kept me by his side for believing in his threats.

Since the divorce I’ve been dealing with stuff that surfaces slowly. You see, I’ve been a runner avoiding emotional pain and have done so for many years burying things deep within not to feel hoping it would go away. As a child I thought that If I didn’t feel it that it wouldn’t affect me. I wouldn’t let it. I thought I was tough to be able to swallow my pride, put things away and not face them again. In reality I was a frightened kid with a hardened heart who accumulated one trauma after another.

Refusing To Feel is Refusing To Heal

Funny thing about burying these very real feelings, they don’t die. They resurrect when you least expect them. Undealt with pain sinks into the chambers of our most inner being, seeping out poison slowly to remind us that these badly filed emotions need to be dealt with. The longer we leave them, the more thought processes and actions will be impacted affecting our character.  That’s how I became a very angry young person.

No wonder I ended up with depression. Recently (after 20 years) I uncovered exactly why I left my ex-husband.  When visions of the past rose to the surface playing as if on the TV, they seemed so remote to me I had to re-analyse them before I could recognise the past and own it.

Our hurts will resurface giving  us the opportunity to file them under, ‘forgiven’ not under ‘forgotten’ because that’s been proven not to work.  I’m living proof! We can’t completely forget trauma and past hurts.

The key to my healing was forgiveness.   It’s not within our nature to forgive such things. It’s a supernatural thing.  God gives us the ability to make that choice.  Our hearts catch up with our choices.

The bible says, “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?”

Will you ask God to give you a forgiving heart?   Choose today to forgive and release yourself!

Today I make the choice to forgive………………………… but I don’t know how. Jesus come into my heart and give me the ability to forgive…………………………… for…………………….    Forgive me for my sins as well I ask in Jesus name.  Amen.

Once you’ve done this, it’s filed behind you under, “forgiven”.  Thoughts may resurface but when feelings of anger rise up again remind yourself that you’ve chosen to forgive, thank God for his forgiveness .

If you struggle with thoughts resurfacing, unwanted thoughts and pain too unbearable to face seek the help of a counsellor or talk to your church leaders.  I’m glad I did!


Author: Pen With A View

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2 thoughts on “The Coward With A Hardened Heart”

  1. thanks for that. As a person who practises Prayer Ministry and has a wife who does so professionally, may I say that the Bible never says anywhere that we have to “cope” – often by trying to forget, which is ‘man’s’ and the world’s way. He has created in us a mechanism out of pure love whereby the soul hides trauma – such as when I got hit by a car. This can often, very often, have an outcome called disassociation. That’s the way we are helped by him to carry on. However it is not healing and is only ever meant to be temporary. As we become closer to God and pursue sanctification, any/all things like this which may get in the way of our relationship with Him will be brought up to be dealt with and, as you rightly say, this involves the road of forgiveness which the Bible clearly says is for US and our benefit. How good is that!? The one thing many who do NOT get help with this fail to realise however, is the extent of forgiveness needed, eg. for oneself for “being a failure by marrying this man in the first place”. I rarely write comments but I felt I should this time. You are a blessed child of God – we all make mistakes, this just happens to have been yours, but you are just as loved and have a meaningful life as any of us – may you enjoy your appointed future!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for taking the time out to write your beautiful message. YES! Self forgiveness as the hardest thing and I must say that it’s ongoing process but I know that resting him is better than doing it alone. Blessings.


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